Feelings Show Ch. 5

“Mr. Spock?” Jim asked, knocking on the door to Spock’s quarters. “A word?”

“Come in, Captain,” Spock replied.

“I hoped I could talk to you about something that’s bothering me immensely,” Jim said, “so much so that I can’t sleep… or think straight.”

Spock seemed mildly worried for just a moment. “What is it, Jim?” he asked.

“I can’t stand that you’re mad at me,” Jim replied.

“I apologize if my emotional outburst caused you to suffer, sir,” Spock said, “it was not my intent.”

“I figured out what it is,” Jim said. “I know why you’re mad. I had a stunning burst of clarity and it all clicked.”

“Did it, Captain?” Spock asked, there was a mild tone of apprehension in his voice.

“I use ladies for my own personal gain,” Jim said, “that’s it… isn’t it?”

Spock nodded and said nothing.

“You know, Mr. Spock,” Jim said, stepping closer to Spock, Spock looked nervous but remained standing mere inches from Jim, “I would never do that to you.”

“Captain, I-” Spock began to breathe, but Jim silenced him with a finger on his lips. Spock’s hidden emotions seemed far less hidden as his eyes widened with fear.

“I’d never do that to you,” Jim said again, sliding his hand down to Spock’s chin and forcing Spock’s eyes to meet his own.

“Jim, please, I-”

“I know what you’re afraid of…” Jim whispered, kissing Spock tentatively. The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Jim was knocked forcefully and painfully against the wall. When he staggered to his feet, he saw Spock standing by the door, looking horrified.

“If you truly knew what I was afraid of, you would not have done that,” Spock said, his voice full of emotion, and then turned and left the room.

****

Dr. McCoy nearly ran into Spock as he fled down the hall.

“Spock!” he called out. Spock ignored him and headed into an empty room.

McCoy followed to discover Spock sitting in a chair at a conference table, eyes closed, hands balled into fists, looking pained.

“Spock what’s wrong?” McCoy asked, sitting beside his distraught friend.

Spock was shaking. He said nothing.

“Did Jim deny you?” McCoy asked gently.

“On the contrary,” Spock replied, his voice barely above a whisper, as if he was trying to keep something in. “Jim made an advancement upon me against my wishes.”

“You don’t want to be with him?” McCoy asked, slightly taken aback. It didn’t sound like Jim.

“Of course I do, doctor, but I am full of apprehension, and Jim ignored my attempts to discuss my apprehension, and he- he kissed me.”

“He kissed you?” McCoy asked. “Isn’t that good? You can talk afterwards.”

“May I remind you that physical contact is of much greater importance on my home planet than on yours,” Spock said.

“Kissing on earth is just a way to say you like someone,” McCoy said. “That’s all Jim meant by it.”

“Kissing, as well as anything more physically romantic would be a direct display of the deepest and most sincere affections,” Spock said. “Commitment is important to my people. I would be ready for a commitment. I love Jim very deeply. However, I do not believe that he is ready for this kind of commitment…”

“Why don’t you talk to him?” McCoy said.

“I do not think I would be able to keep my composure,” Spock said. “It has been nearly impossible to resist emotional display in front of you, Doctor, and I am not in love with you.”

“Jim won’t think less of you for it,” McCoy said, “and for the record, I don’t think less of you for having emotions either.”

“Thank you,” Spock said, “however I desire to be alone. I will be in my quarters.”

“Okay,” McCoy said, smiling comfortingly at Spock as he left the room.

****