Answers - KxS - Ch 1

RATING: PG

I sleep like a human. My mother and father would discover me, lying in bed, twisted in blankets, crying out at an unseen tormentor. I always went to sleep on my back… still. Emotionless. I always woke up tangled in sheets, pillows on the floor, smile on my face, or tears in my eyes, or a scream in my throat. My father, Sarek, told me Vulcans didn't dream, but I always had. I dreamt of what it would have been like if I embraced my human side, I dreamt of Sarek showing love for me, I dreamt of hurting my mother when my emotions were purged, I dreamt of my brother, but the dreams that scared me most did not come until much later in my life.

I would wake up in my quarters on the Starship Enterprise with shuddering gasps and tears in my eyes. Never in my youth did I dream of falling in love, of being with someone who loved me for who I was, who cared about me deeply, who knew I had emotions hidden away, but respected my need to keep them hidden. I had never dreamt of being held in someone's arms, or starting a family until I became first officer to that man.

James T. Kirk was everything I needed, and everything I could never have. He was undeniably attractive, kind, and respectful… but he had a reputation with women. He had a different one nearly every night, or so said the idle gossipers of the Enterprise. He was all I wanted, all I dreamt about. I never thought I would fall in love, and certainly not with a man. I thought how stupid and illogical my love for him was, but as was once said by a character in an earth comic book (who had pointed ears a loved a man he couldn't have) from the 20th century "affairs of the heart always matter, the heart knows no logic."

I still wished I could remove my feelings. I was tired of feeling so much emotional hurt that, no matter how much I meditated, I couldn't control. Human love is strong, and my human half was winning out over my Vulcan half. I couldn't stop myself from loving him. Luckily for me, humans often hide their feelings of love. Love, though incredibly strong, is an emotion far easier to hide than anger or fear. It is the hardest to get rid of, but it is the easiest to hide. For centuries, humans have taken pride in hiding love, both unrequited and shared. Another great fortune for me was that unrequited love is the easiest to hide. I had read, in human literature, that it hurt more than any emotion in existence, but that most people who had a love unrequited were able to hide it flawlessly.

For our entire five year mission, I loved him secretly. Waking from pleasant and wonderfully emotional dreams, to the stark reality that I was alone. I would always be alone. Vulcans were not supposed to love or be loved. I already had done one of these things, and I would certainly not receive the other. The only person to ever love me was my human mother. But she had little choice in the matter. Human mothers are bound by emotion to love their children, even if their children are wildly disappointing. Like me.

I remember the day that everything changed clearly. It was after the five year mission. We were back at Starfleet academy. Our services were not required for anything beyond teaching at the present time. I was running Kobayashi Maru training, and teaching science courses. Jim was teaching command, history, and English courses. He loved to read and learn and knew a great deal more about history and literature than he let on. I thought it was another beautiful quality. Another reason to love him.

Jim came to my quarters one night to play chess. We often did this. It had begun on the Enterprise, and we had no intention of terminating our friendship just because the mission was over. Something happened that night that I was not prepared to deal with. Jim kissed me. Almost out of nowhere. We were simply talking, as always, and he pressed me up against the wall and kissed me.

"I didn't want to scare you," he whispered, still near inches from my shocked emotional expression, "but I got so tired of waiting. I love you, Spock."

"I- Jim- I-" I couldn't find my words. I couldn't. I felt hot tears trying to push their way out of my eyes, and I blinked them back. This couldn't be happening. I wanted it so badly, but once it started to happen, I was terrified. I had no idea what to do, how to act, how I could possibly regain emotional control after such an experience. Jim loved me…

So, I did what any Vulcan would have done. I slid my façade in place, locked my heart from him, and left. Breaking his in the process. I left to achieve Kohlinar, to purge the unwanted emotions. To stop this insanity. I wasn't supposed to feel giddy. That wasn't me. Loving Jim was turning me into an illogical person I did not recognize. I needed answers; I needed to find myself.

TBC