Serious -Sirius- Tears

The hardest tears to wipe were those of Sirius Black. Sirius never cried about anything petty. Spilt milk made him laugh. When he cried, it was important.

I had been known to cry when I misplaced things, or when I lost a girlfriend… or something along those lines. Of course, not all my tears were petty, being a werewolf, I had fair amount of depression in my life.

None of it compared to Sirius.

The first time I saw him cry was when I was sixteen years old. I was spending the weekend at James Potter’s house (James was a boy who never cried, because he was never sad). It was three in the morning, and I was still awake. It was one of those nights where my depression had kept me awake and thinking. I hear a knock on the door downstairs and I heard Mrs. Potter wake up to answer it. Curiosity getting the best of me, I crept out of James’ room to a location where I could view the door. When Mrs. Potter opened it, Sirius was standing there with a suitcase, looking forlorn.

“Oh my, Sirius!” Mrs. Potter cried, “Whatever happened?”

Sirius closed his eyes. Crystal tears slowly dripped from them, until he was full out sobbing.

“Your poor thing, come inside, I’ll make you some tea!” Mrs. Potter said, leading the sobbing boy to the couch in their living room. Sirius just sat there, continuing to sob. Mrs. Potter handed him the tea and he calmed down.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice frail. I’d never heard anyone sound so fragile.

“When you’re ready, will you tell me what’s happened?” Mrs. Potter asked, tucking stray black wisps of hair behind Sirius’ ears. He nodded meekly, sipping more tea. After a few minutes of silence, he cleared his throat.

“My evil family and I had a fight… and now I have no home,” he said. He had stopped crying, and now just looked extremely unhappy. His resolve had thickened, though. He was done crying for a while.

“You are welcome to stay here, Sirius,” she replied, “we have plenty of love for another boy in our house.”

Sirius smiled lightly.

“Now, you just relax,” she said, “I’ll go get you a blanket. I’ll tell James and Remus that you’re here in the morning. Would you like to tell them why, or shall I?”

“I will.” Sirius said, strongly. “I need to be able to take care of myself.”

Mrs. Potter smiled and began to ascend the stairs. In a panic, I ran back into James’ room and crawled into my sleeping bag. I couldn’t believe it.

I didn’t see Sirius cry again for a few months. When I did, it was more unexpected than the time before. School had started and we were sitting in the common room, doing homework. He had a strange expression on his face, and had started to stare off at nothing more than do his homework.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing!” he snapped, scowling and turning away from me. When he looked back, his eyes were full of tears, and, before I knew what was happening, he was sobbing.

“What’s the matter?” I asked, rubbing his back with the flat of my hand as he sobbed openly.

He shook his head. “Nothing,” he whispered. I knew he was lying, but I didn’t know what else to say, so I accepted it. I never learned what he was crying about. I think it may have been his family but I couldn’t be certain. I had one thing figured out, though. Sirius Black was severely depressed. I knew depression when I saw it, and this was the worst I’d ever seen.

I didn’t push it. I never asked about his feelings. I respected his clear desire to bury them. But on the last day of school, something happened, that I did not expect.

We were packing up the last of our things, I was crying because I’m weak and we were leaving Hogwarts forever. James and Peter were keeping their distance… they knew I didn’t want anyone to acknowledge my tears.

“Remus?” Sirius asked, gently. He had finished packing early and was sitting on his bed, reading.

“What?” I asked, somewhat angrily, trying to hide my tears.

“Can you- never mind…” he said, trailing off.

“Can I what?” I asked, now curious.

“Nothing,” Sirius said. His voice was small, like it had been the night he came to James’ and cried.

“Well, okay then,” I said, resuming my packing. I could tell Sirius was battling with something, but, as I was failing to mask my emotions, I didn’t care.

“Guys,” Sirius said, addressing all the Gryffindors that were sadly packing in the boys dormitory. “We have to have a talk. One last good one.”

A boy named Frank Longbottom nodded. “Let’s get in a circle. It’s the last time.”

We all sat in a circle, something we had done often in our school days… never before had all the boys been there though.

“So,” Sirius said, taking the lead as he always did when he was there for our guy talks. “Anyone have any regrets?”

A whole wave of regrets came washing over me, but I was too afraid to name any of them. Everyone remained silent.

“I’ll start, then,” he said. “My biggest regret, was that I never told anyone how I felt… and I never told someone that I loved them.”

Frank nodded and spoke. “I wish I’d tried harder in class… I’m really afraid I won’t get a good job.”

“I’m in love with Lily Evans,” James said, he wasn’t smiling cheekily like usual. He was very serious. “And I never told anyone, or did anything about it. I regret that.”

“I should never have broken it off with Carla,” Gideon Prewitt said, “I want to marry her.”

Everyone poured out their hearts, sharing their regrets and their feelings, until it was down to me. Our talks mandated that everyone share… It was important.

“I-” I started, but then paused. There were so many thought racing through my head… I didn’t know what I could possibly say. “I’m- I- I don’t know what to say…”

“You have to say something,” Gideon said. I had begun to look extremely put out. I didn’t want to share.

“It’s fine,” Sirius said. “He doesn’t have to say. It’s clear he has some… but, I trust his need for secrecy.”

I smiled lightly and blushed.

“ALL STUDENTS PLEASE REPORT TO THE GREAT HALL!” Headmaster Dumbledore’s voice rang through the school.

My eyes filled with tears as we walked from the dormitory for the last time. “You guys go ahead,” I said. “I want to make sure I didn’t forget anything.”

They nodded and left the dormitory. As soon as the door closed, my tears came forth, harder than ever. This was the only place I’d been accepted. I flopped onto my bed and sobs began to shake through me. I didn’t want the real world. I wanted this bed, this room, my friends, forever.

“Are you okay?” Sirius’ voice asked. I gasped and turned. He was standing by my bed, looking concerned. “I- I didn’t know if it was okay to ask.”

“I don’t want to leave,” I cried. “This is the only place I fit in… at all.” I buried my face in my pillow and continued to sob.

“I will always be your friend,” Sirius said, he sounded sad. I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“I regret that I never told anyone something about me,” I said.

“That you’re Mooney?” Sirius asked gently, “because there area few people who know.”

“No,” I said, “I regret that I never even told you and James and Pete that- that I’m- I’m gay.” As soon as the words slipped out of my mouth, I regretted that, too. My sobs grew fiercer. I felt Sirius’ hand give me a squeeze. When he didn’t say anything, I looked up at him to see tears dripping from his face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. He closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I should be comforting you.”

“What’s the matter?” I asked, ignoring his last statement. Sirius retracted his hand and stood, facing away from me.

“I was talking about you,” Sirius whispered.

“What?” I asked. I was confused.

“When I said I regretted not telling someone I loved them, I meant you!” Sirius snapped, his tears had grown fiercer and he looked angry. “I love you, okay!? I was too bloody terrified to say it!”

Before I could say anything, he had run from the dormitories.

At the farewell dinner, he sat away from me. He looked miserable. I hardy remember that dinner. I was too busy watching Sirius fake smiles.

When it came time to say goodbye, I hugged everyone I’d ever met. I knew I’d never see some of these people ever again, and I cried and cried through the whole experience. James, Pete, Sirius, and I walked arm in arm to the train. Sirius made sure Pete and James were between us.

“You guys run along and get a train car,” Sirius said. “I just want to be alone for a little bit. I’ll join you later.”

James and Peter nodded and headed to the first open cabin. I followed Sirius to the back of the train. He opened the door the last cabin and got in, massaging his temples as tears poured from his eyes. I knocked gently. When he looked up, he looked extremely sad. He beckoned me in with his hand.

“I’m sorry that I¬-” he started.

“Don’t be silly,” I said, cutting him off. I sat down next to him and looked into his crying face. “How long have you felt this way?”

Sirius looked away from me as more tears dripped from his eyes. “Always…” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” I said. “There’s no need to be-”

“No NEED!” Sirius snapped. “I just told you I’m a fag! I can’t believe you’re even talking to me after I-” I put my finger to his lips and he stopped talking. Tears still flowing down his face. I slowly moved my finger across his face and wiped a tear from his cheek. In that moment, I could think of nothing but Sirius. I’d loved him for a while… he was the reason I knew I was gay. He looked so beautiful, and, before I knew what was happening, we were kissing.

After a short, tender kiss, I pulled away and looked into his awestruck eyes. “Don’t cry,” I whispered, wiping tears from his face. “I’ve got you.”

Suddenly, he threw his arms around me with great strength and buried his face in my shoulder, crying into me. I knew he was crying about everything he’d been depressed about- shedding the tears that he’d refused to shed in the past. I knew he was happier now, but just overwhelmed with emotion. I pet his hair and let him cry, kissing the top of his head.

“I love you,” I whispered. And I did. I didn’t know what was in store for us, but I knew I loved him, and he loved me. And in that moment of clarity, I was no longer afraid to be out in the real world. As the train carried us farther and farther from Hogwarts, I felt calm. It was the place that had prepared me for life, but life hadn’t begun until I was riding away, with the one I’d always loved.