Feelings Show Chapter 1

He cannot possibly know how much he hurts me with his flippant behavior towards women. How could he? I have spent a lifetime learning to hide my feelings, and have worked very hard at making sure that no one, not even Jim, could see them. Of course, as any Vulcan will admit, I do, in fact, have feelings. I simply choose to bottle them up and tuck them away. I alone get to know what I am feeling.


This is why it is unreasonable of me to expect Jim to understand that his multiple female lovers cause me great pain. It is illogical, and I judge myself harshly for feeling this way.


As a child, I never thought that I would know what love felt like. Just seeing Jim has shown me that love, in all its pain and sadness, is worth feeling for. I am grateful for being half-human, because I can experience love to a more full potential than my full-Vulcan counterparts.


….however, love is a burden.

~*~

“Spock, may I speak with you privately?” Dr. McCoy asked the first officer. Spock stopped staring in the direction of the captain and nodded.

“Certainly, doctor,” he said, following McCoy to the sickbay. “May I inquire as to the nature of this private audience?”

“Something’s bothering you,” McCoy said, “something about Jim.”

“Doctor, I am I certain I do not know what-”

“Don’t play games with me, Spock,” McCoy said. “What has Jim done to you?”

“Jim has done nothing to me,” Spock said, but he’d been finding it harder to hide his emotions lately, and a look of sadness crossed his face for a brief moment.

“What did he do?” Mc Coy demanded, “I know he’s done something to upset you. I can tell. The two of you don’t touch each other and gaze at each other anymore. Now you look truly emotionless in his presence, when you used to look somewhat happy. What did he do?”

“I am certain Jim has never gazed at me, McCoy,” Spock said.

“Is that what hurts you?” McCoy asked, “That Jim doesn’t share you affections?”

“I am not certain as to which affections you are referring to,” Spock said, he sounded mildly irritated, “Jim is my friend-”

“In a pig’s eye,” Mc Coy laughed. “You love him. It’s the most obvious thing in the world. I’m just an old country doctor, but I can tell when two people love each other.”

“Each other, Doctor?” Spock asked. “Jim does not love me.”

“So you admit that you love him?” McCoy asked.

“You leave me with no logical alternative,” Spock said. “You are my friend and I do not intend to lie to you.”

“You should tell Jim,” McCoy said, “he seems interested in you.”

Spock closed his eyes and shook his head. “I can assure you, Doctor, he is not.”

“How can you be so sure?” McCoy pressed, “he looks at you and touches you and smiles at you and laughs with you and-”

“Please stop,” Spock said, McCoy noticed that same brief flash of sadness in Spock’s face. “Jim has enough women to fill up his life and his heart. There is no room left for me.”

“This is about the women?” McCoy laughed. “They mean NOTHING to Jim. He’s with them because he’s lonely and anyone is better than no one.”

“Perhaps if he focused his attention elsewhere-” Spock seemed angry, but McCoy cut him off.

“He would see a first officer and a friend, that could be everything he ever needed and wanted,” McCoy said, smiling and clapping a hand on Spock’s shoulder. “I will do everything I can to help the two of you get together. You need each other like a fish needs water.”

“The notion that Jim is in love with me is absurd, Doctor,” Spock said. “However I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your friendly quest… and thank you.”

“Of course, you pointy-eared hobgoblin,” McCoy laughed. “You’re my friend.”

****